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[Excerpt from my upcoming book "Aging Naked"]
Shaming experiences are deeply personal in the sense that what shames me, might not shame you and visa-versa. I find certain things shameful because of the lenses I use in life to create meaning, and those lenses were created over a lifetime of meaning-making experiences, rooted in my childhood and reinforced throughout my life. Shame is also the core driving force behind those "shoulds" I referenced earlier – beliefs we have internalized through the years that tell us whether we are good or bad, on track or off, worthy or unworthy. We all have some should-driven notions about our ideal selves – our narratives of who we believe we are (or should be), and if we veer too far off of our should-driven path, we often feel shame in response. If shame is left unchecked in our lives, we risk having the targets of our shame serve as a portal through which we view ourselves, how we think others view us, and eventually, how we view the world.
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{Excerpt from my upcoming book "Aging Naked"]
One of the driving emotions that keeps authenticity and transparency at bay is shame. Almost every woman I’ve worked with in my counseling practice has admitted to experiencing intense feelings of shame. They’re ashamed of some aspect of their personality, ashamed of feelings they have, ashamed of their bodies, ashamed of something that has happened to them, or something they did to someone else. Men feel shame as well, but because so many aspects of the female experience are stigmatized, women tend to feel shame more profoundly and holistically. There are also fewer supportive outlets where women can admit to their feelings of shame and receive support, because often in society, when a woman does admit to something she feels ashamed about—past promiscuity, low self-confidence, concerns about her body shape or size, she is likely to be shamed even more, by both men and women. Aging can exacerbate our feelings of shame in many ways and for many reasons. Several of the signs of aging tend to be highly stigmatized, particularly for women, such as graying hair, wrinkled necks, sagging breasts, weight gain, and loss of overall skin tone. Add to that the fact that 40% of women over 50 snore, which isn’t considered very feminine, and over 50% have leaking bladders, also traditionally “unfeminine.” It’s not very surprising then that many women feel ashamed and want to hide themselves, while trying desperately not to sneeze.  have anxiety. I have rarely spoken about my anxiety problems though because most of my anxious thoughts are so irrational. And to be honest, I found them a bit of a nuisance and pretty embarrassing because admitting to feeling unchecked anxiety conflicted with my persona of being a glass-half-full, carefree soul in pursuit of an optimistic life filled with Oprah-inspired gratitude.
My belief that I needed to be always-optimistic (lest I anger the gratitude gods) meant that I needed to hide my anxious parts, and instead present the image I thought was expected of me. An optimistic, wisdom-filled, gratitude-espousing, never fearful, never anxious, mask-wearing beacon of hope for others. I also thought my feelings were normal. Yes, I believed that everyone experienced heart-racing, fear-gripping, body-freezing angst randomly throughout the day and night for no apparent reason. 
This is the third blog post in my series “A Year Without Fear.” The theme of this blog series has generated a lot of talk, and a little bit of controversy. The comments went something like this:
“Can we really live completely without fear?” …“Should we even try to live without fear?” …“Can’t fear be a good thing, even though we don’t like it?” …“Isn’t it the fear that reminds us we’re all human?” I suppose what I mean when I reference irrational fear is really the feeling of anxiety about things over which we have little control. When we’re anxious, we’re afraid—we may be afraid of being rejected, afraid of losing a loved one, afraid of losing our job, afraid of being found out in some way that makes us feel unlovable. We may feel afraid and anxious and have no idea of the cause.  I have a beach cove I go to when I need some Zen time or a quiet place to write. It’s a beautiful part of Laguna Beach, my home for the past two years. It’s generally unknown to tourists, hidden away down a long path and a steep flight of stairs. There are shallow caves along the back of the cove that provide some protection from the sun in the summer, and in the winter make for some great little writing spots.
That’s where I am right now—tucked away in a shallow beach cave, writing, listening to the crashing waves inch closer to me as the tide creeps in. I have other favorite writing spots too, but I come here when I’m having an off day, which for me means a day dealing with unchecked fear and anxiety.  Shutterstock It may come as a surprise to some of you that I struggle with fear, but I do. Let me clarify that—I struggle with irrational fear. Some fear is good. Fear keeps me from taking a shortcut down a dark alley at night, from going into basements when I hear creepy noises, and from jumping out of an airplane without a parachute. Rational fear is not what I’m talking about. No, I’m talking about the what if fears.
The what if I never get tenure and lose my job fear. The what if I run out of money and become homeless fear. The what if I get cancer fear. The what if something bad happens to my son fear. The what if I make another bad decision in a relationship fear (which is closely related to the what if I die alone fear). And my most frequent fear visitor, the what if I take a huge risk in my quest for a meaningful and relevant life and fall squarely on my face fear.  A 2014 study on women and middle age found that most women began to feel invisible and dismissed in society by the time they were 50. Among the thousands of women surveyed:
When asked what contributed to their lack of self-confidence, most of the women cited things like graying hair, having to wear reading glasses, and a lack of appropriate fashion opportunities. What a stark reality for middle-aged women! Are you wondering why these women didn't just simply dye their hair, get contacts, and go on a little shopping spree? |
Hello!This is a blog for middle-aged women, like me, who want to live a life of increased authenticity, and greater well-being, with fewer façades, less role-playing and a lot more fun. I chose a photo with myself and my son because he is my heart. You can also find my blog posts featured on
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