Shame as a Barrier to Authenticity

{Excerpt from my upcoming book "Aging Naked"]

One of the driving emotions that keeps authenticity and transparency at bay is shame.

Almost every woman I’ve worked with in my counseling practice has admitted to experiencing intense feelings of shame. They’re ashamed of some aspect of their personality, ashamed of feelings they have, ashamed of their bodies, ashamed of something that has happened to them, or something they did to someone else.

Men feel shame as well, but because so many aspects of the female experience are stigmatized, women tend to feel shame more profoundly and holistically. There are also fewer supportive outlets where women can admit to their feelings of shame and receive support, because often in society, when a woman does admit to something she feels ashamed about—past promiscuity, low self-confidence, concerns about her body shape or size, she is likely to be shamed even more, by both men and women.

Aging can exacerbate our feelings of shame in many ways and for many reasons. Several of the signs of aging tend to be highly stigmatized, particularly for women, such as graying hair, wrinkled necks, sagging breasts, weight gain, and loss of overall skin tone. Add to that the fact that 40% of women over 50 snore, which isn’t considered very feminine, and over 50% have leaking bladders, also traditionally “unfeminine.”

It’s not very surprising then that many women feel ashamed and want to hide themselves, while trying desperately not to sneeze.