Aging naked is about living a life free of hiding, of wearing shame-based façades, of fear-based thinking, and role-playing in the second half of our lives

The research is clear. Wearing shame-based façades and fear-based thinking becomes increasingly destructive for women as we age. While there are many losses in middle life, middle age also provides us with opportunities for transformative change. 

So what's stopping us from aging more authentically? Being more transparent and generally, just being "ourselves." Well, based on 30 years of professional experience as a social worker, educator and researcher, I believe for most of us, it's trauma. More specifically, unresolved trauma. This is why all of those 10-step models don't work (you know, "10 steps to being more authentic!" 

For those of us who have been hurt, who have grown up in an "upside down world," just being ourselves (if we even know what that is) can feel pretty scary. Why? Because people in our past of hurt us, particularly when we've been our most vulnerable. So why in the world would we take the chance of getting hurt again? And how would be "just be ourselves" if no one ever modeled that for us? 

Well, there is a way to take off our masks and learn to be who were really are, and it begins with getting to know our real selves and then learning how to show that "self" to the world (one step at a time). This isn't easy work, but it's important work and I'm convinced that it's the key to living a fulfilling life. If you're like me, and the many women I've worked with, you've spent far too long being "nice," and "kind," and "easy going," and a great caretaker. But are those roles really you? Can't we be nice and also firm? Kind but also kind to ourselves first? Easy going but set healthy boundaries? Yes, we can. 

Genuine authenticity in the foundation of successful aging, but it takes increased self-knowledge, some guidance, and a little bit of courage (actually, it takes a lot of courage, but we don't have to go on this journey alone). 

What Specifically is "Aging Naked"?

I developed the  Aging Naked paradigm when I was in my early 50s and my only child abandoned me for college. Although I had a full life and a career that kept me very busy, I still felt a sense of emptiness that I couldn't have anticipated and had no idea how to handle. Living alone, midlife dating, renegotiating friendships, navigating my career all with a dark cloud hanging over my head led me to a li'l life crisis. I was sad, lonely, confused, a little bit angry, a little bit envious (of anyone who had a seemingly better life than I did).

All of this was pretty awful, but I noticed that many women in my personal and professional lives were going through similar transitions, and our collective experiences led to some pretty incredible epiphanies. Like how I wasn't nearly as authentic or transparent as I thought I was, and how I often said yes, when I really meant no, but I didn't know I meant no, because I didn't know who I was. And how I wasn't a "really good communicator" like I told everyone, but rather, I hated conflict so much that apparently I only communicated the good stuff, leaving the icky stuff out. And then there was the epiphany that shame and fear pretty much ruled my life, which was such a surprise since I really thought I was kind of a badass (the optimistic and grateful kind).

All of these epiphanies led me to the biggest epiphany of all: If I didn't get a grip on my thoughts and feelings, aging was going to be a very bumpy ride. So of course I ignored that epiphany and instead, spent a few more years trying to convince myself I was "okay." I'd be "okay" if I could just make more money. I'd be "okay" if I could just lose 20 lbs. I'd be okay if I could just meet a decent guy and fall in love. A few failed diets and a few hundred (yes, really) awful first dates later, and I decided to start blogging.

I knew I wasn't the only one struggling in midlife, and I hope I could help create some kind of community to support each other. Blogging led to journaling, which led to a whole lot of therapy, which led to a lot of reading, thinking and writing, and *boom* a paradigm was born. My paradigm builds on the work and expertise of others in discovering the "what" (increased authenticity, increased transparency, the "how" (healing trauma, reducing shame and toxic guild, and no longer role-playing or wearing various façades just to fit in and get along), and the "why" (why are these processes and characteristics important, particularly for women, particularly for women over 50).

My upcoming book: Aging Naked: Overcoming Trauma (and Everything Else) So We Can Finally Become Ourselves invites women to be brave and stop hiding, but I do my best to pave the way. I'd love for you to come along with me on an Aging Naked journey, (metaphorically speaking of course!).

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